Kestrelsraven (kestrelsraven) wrote in beautifulsi,
Kestrelsraven
kestrelsraven
beautifulsi

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Intro and rant

I've never posted here before but I like reading about cutting, burning, bruising, whatever and picture of cuts and blood make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  Hurrah for lurkers!
I started cutting when I was twelve.  I was hurting myself before that (mostly just bruising exaggerating injuries and such).  I eventually moved up to bigger and better things.  I met my fiance when I was 16 and when I was 17 he finally got me to stop hurting myself.  With the exception of a couple shaky months and a few relapses I haven't hurt myself in almost three years.  You might say congrats, but I liked cutting myself and only wanted to stop because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.  Though I never really lived up to social norms at the time I always felt like this made me bad or dirty. (forget the fact I was doing drugs at the time and having random meaningless sex with random meaningless men and it didn't bother me)
Enough rambling.  The only reason I don't cut now is because I know it will hurt my fiance.  I personally don't think there is anything wrong with it as long as you aren't stupid and cut to deep into a vein or let your wounds get infected.  But since I won't let myself cut and I am going through a really bad chemical imbalance moment I wrote about it and decided to stop lurking.

I want oblivion.

I want blades deep within my skin.  I want to reopen all of my beautiful old scars I pretend aren't there because they make me wish for things I've promised I can't have.

What is so wrong with cutting?
I wasn't this bad when I cut.
My breakdowns would last for hours (if that) not days.
I want to smell my own flesh burning again and feel blood over my skin like a warm loving blanket
I have so many fond memories of cutting.
I don't want attetion for it.  I never really did in fact I have always hated having attention.  Its like there's this damn inside of me that is full to bursting and I just need to relieve that pressure.  Open a vein so I don't explode.
Process of cutting:
uncover the body part in need of cutting
Light razor blade on fire to avoid infections
Press against skin and take breath
cut slowly or quickly, deep or shallow depending on mood (now would be fast and deep, they always come out most beautifully)
if cutting shallow and quickly repeat process until euphoric sensations come into play
let out breath and allow body to relax (maybe if you're lucky the euphoria will be minimal so you will have the absulute pleasure of the pain of it all.
if cutting deeply apply pressure with guase and keep in place with medical tape or if out duct tape
stretch and feel the reluctance of the skin as it tries to sew itself back together
smile and feel happy again

Oh I feel like I just had an orgasm.  That's what its like.  Penetration of a blade is better than almost any sex I've ever had.  So much more satisfying.  Less thought.  During sex random thoughts can come into your mind to lessen the process, even 'the heat of passion' sex.  But the blade, mmmmm thats all there is, all that matters and all you live for.
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