I will always be a Cutter. Whether I stop or not, and really. I regret it. I take back all those times i swore that I didn't.
I'm left to think about all the times I fled into my room, stayed up late at night, ran to the girl's bathroom at school. I'm left to remember myself slamming my body into the stall door crying...Locked away in a place where no one would bother me, where I could do what i needed to do without someone walking in on me. How wreckless it was, how dangerous...How amazingly perfect it had been at the time. I've created this Monster for myself and it is on me...Not anyone else i blamed it on. No, i made the decisions, i took up the blade and hid them for 2 years. I did this, no one forced me, no one told me to do it, nor did anyone tell me how dangerous it was. The only thing i got, from the one person i trusted. The one person who found out first, who cried with me first. All she told me was to 'be careful'.
Now i just wish someone would have beat the fuck out of me, screamed at me, broken one of my ribs. To tell me that this was wrong, to force me to stop. People tried to stop me, they tried their hardest. But you can never really stop cutting unless YOU want to. You don't stop for anyone else, you stop for yourself. You stop because you finally realise, it hits you in the face like a rush of cold air. You finally understand what you've been doing when it's all been just a blur for you.
I had a sense of what i was doing, i knew how deep was too deep, i knew how far was too far, I knew my limits and I knew what could happen if there was an accident, or if i applied enough pressure. I knew everything, i knew cutting more than I knew myself. But it's all I knew...The only thing i was sure of and this was dangerous and this....Was one thing i wasn't aware of. When the blade touched my hands, I stopped any further contact. I stopped telling people what was wrong, the blade fixed it. It healed all pains it stole my fears away it calmed me when I cried. For a time it was the only comfort I knew, the only thing I could trust. I ran away from everything and I never faced the fact that I was turning into someone different. Someone my friends didn't know, somsonen my parents refused to meet.
All of this comes to mind because I was thinking today as I do many days...I see my scars everyday, I wake up and they are still as dark as the day before, I shower and they don't ever wash away. They're a part of me, my body a story, something I've gone through. It was normal for me, i could freely run through my house without a jacket on without bracelets. But in public....I can't do that. No matter how hard i try, I have to face the fact that these scars....The minute they meet the eyes of someone who doesn't know me or my story. They are not normal. I scare people, they tiptoe around me, they'll say things they don't mean and sware it just so I don't get hurt. I am a scary thing a Monster, I make people rethink most of what they think is normal. They look at me and I can feel their eyes dart down to my arm, forcing me to draw their attention away from it when I know they are thinking. "What the Fuck.....How can a person do that to themselves? That's fucking sick. She's crazy" I guess I make people realise, including myself, that this is no story. No movie, no play. This is LIFE. and what you do cannot be taken back, no can life be rewound. There isn't a soundtrack to fit your moods and there are no fairytale endings.This is reality.
I'm putting this in here for all you cutters. You can quit anytime you want to, you just have to be ready. It is no addiction, I will tell you this now. Please don't think that. I know I am going to get shit for it and you will think I am trying to start a fight. No. I am telling you, from the mind of a Cutter...Now and Ex-Cutter. You can get through this, it isn't something you NEED. Cutting is just somethign that is there, from the moment you start to the moment you finish.
It lies to you, it manipulates you. Cutting is just a pain outlet, something that is always there for you. Something that you can sorta count on, but you shouldn't. Cutting will make you feel as though it is the only thing you have to turn to in times of darkness, the only thing that will heal your pain. That no one else can heal you but the blade in your skin....
Please. Be strong, Take advice from those who give it. Think. You Can Do It.
If I can get through this, so can you.
I am merely giving you some advice, something taht you may not come to realise yet. You may even try to start something with me...But you'll come out of it someday, i know you will. And you'll realise that everything that i said here...Could quite possibly be right.