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01:24am 03/12/2007
  I let myself relapse into my scratching in the past month and a bit. I was raped back in June and I haven't dealt with it like I should have. I won't elaborate on the rape too much because this isn't really the right forum for that but basically after a police investigation, they couldn't come up with enough evidence to even bring this asshole to trial and it's all been so overwhelming. I'm having a hard time getting myself into counseling because my last experience was not good and I'm very untrusting of these people now. I know I need it because besides the scratching, my mind is manifesting all this pain in other ways: I've started having horrible nightmares and the other week when I went out drinking with a friend I was having full-blown hallucinations and he ended up calling the police and I spent the night in the hospital in restraints. I'm a 105lb girl with probably zero muscle who needed four grown men to hold me down while they tried to get me to the hospital. I even broke out of a restraint at the hospital. Two weeks later, I'm still covered in bruises. That night scared the shit out of me but instead of calling even a helpline where I can be anonymous, I turned back to scratching more frequently. Like I said at the start, in October I did it once and then again maybe three weeks later but those scratches were smaller, more controlled. The ones in the past couple of weeks are longer, angrier, more numerous; really, they're like how they used to be years ago. But it feels comfortable. I like the relief even though I know it's not really helping me. I like the look of them. I even like the scars from my October scratches. It feels sort of different this time than when I was 16 or 18. Back then it was so frenzied, almost trance-like sometimes. I'll be 25 at the end of the month and my new scratches feel more logical, more methodical, if that makes any sense. I feel more aware of things when I do it, instead of feeling numb like I used to. It's kind of hard to explain. But another big difference is that I don't feel ashamed of these new cuts. I don't flaunt them or anything like that; they are still mine and they are mine to protect. But a friend of mine (only known him since May) found out and we had a conversation about it. I tried to explain to him why and what it felt like and he asked some questions but didn't freak out or make me feel like a bad person. I don't feel like a failure for relapsing, I don't feel bad about it, I don't want to give it up. I know I can't rely on it forever but right now, these scratches are a source of strength to me. I don't know if some of the things I've written make sense but it's how I'm feeling right now and I guess I just needed to get it out.  
01:33pm 19/11/2007
  I love you. But sometimes, I hate you, i'm scared of you, I want to hurt you, I want to kill you. I want to hurt myself, I want to kill myself. Why won't you see or acknowledge whats going on, what you're doing to me??? I can't take this much longer. One day you WILL find me dead, and it will be YOUR name written on the walls in MY BLOOD. Then, only then you'll see what you've done to me, how you've broken me.
You make me want to die.
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06:24am 23/09/2007
mood: awake

Hi. My name is Lauren and I'm brand new here. 

I've been a cutter for 2 years and my family just found out and basically threw me into therapy although i don't want it. I'm not ready to get better. 

I basically want to be understood. I'm tired of judgemental people acting like they know everything about me when they don't. 


12:34pm 21/09/2007
  So I said I'm going to quit for good starting April 28th. Well, it's been 145 days since my last cut. Only thing is is that I can't cope with failure, and currently I am failing three classes. I transfered from a small community college to what I consider to be a medium sized university, about 900 students per undergrad class, plus a ton of grad students running around all over campus. But anyway, I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm really trying to not hurt myself, but it's all that's on my mind. "I made better grades when I SIed, I was more in control of my emotions and more self-disciplined when I SIed, and all that other stuff. But I want to not ever do it again because of my own personal reasons, plus the risk it puts me in if I were to be found out. So I'm sitting here trying to think of ways to cope. I can't smoke, already established that, I've tried before, but it's just hasn't worked, it's like trying to fly, it physically doesn't produce good results for me. And I don't drink because of one of my friends getting alcohol poisoning and that was a freaking scary night trying to detox her. And I don't ever want to do drugs because it falls under worse lines than SI, because SI can get you sent to a hospital, and reported and all, while drugs can get you sent to jail. And I'm hypoglycemic, so anorexia and bulimia wouldn't work out for me either. I'm just running out of things that I could do. I hate crying in public, I hate crying in general, but I definitely don't cry in front of other people. That's one of the reasons why I like the internet, I can talk to people and express myself clearly and no one will know I'm crying. Basically, this is a big rant, but I needed some place to do it, and I still don't know how to cope with the fact that I'm failing and how my parents are going to react because I'm thinking of dropping one of the classes, which will screw up my sequence. It just freaking sucks. I have no where to turn, nothing I can do.  
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09:29pm 19/08/2007
  fresh cuts: two. Done by my boyfriend. Somehow it doesn't bother us. I'm not sure....
I'm 19 now! Woohoo!
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03:04am 19/08/2007
  The past few days//week have been hard as hell.
its all worded funny.
i think you can get the point of this.
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New plea 
03:19pm 08/07/2007
  New plea.

Dear all,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for the fantastic support you have offered after my last post asking for photographic models. I received messages from people offering support, willing to have their photo taken or those wishing to fill in a questionnaire. I couldn’t have expected a better response and I hope I come across as genuine when I explain how grateful I am. That gratitude is also extended to all the moderators who kindly left my posts up for people to read. Thank you.
Your support on my last project has inspired me to push my creativity further and extend the self-harm project that I began over two years ago.
This time I am hoping other people might be willing to get involved as I am opening the 'requirements' up to include many more heath issues.
Although I have not yet written my Artist statement, I am hoping to make the most of my 4/5-month holiday by getting a head start on next term’s project.
The project I worked on for my first year of my BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University, was surrounding the subject Self Injury/Harm. My initial plan was to put together a book of shots of young men and women who use self-harm. I had always planned to put these, headless, images in a book. However after much deliberation I decided to hand in a miniature version of the images, kept in a box for presentation and to save the book idea for my second year.
I now have another 8 or 9 months to put together a comprehensive collection of images that not only cover the issue of self harm, but also bring in other issues that may trigger self harm or are produced as a secondary to self harm (although I realize this is very different for everyone). I intend to create images that contain men and women, of all ages, colour or sexuality, who have had or who currently are experiencing issues with, self harm, anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS, depression, binge eating, disassociation, sexual abuse/rape survivors, participation in S&M, transgender/ transexuality, scaring from incidence etc. Essentially I am hoping to capture many aspects of mental health with a specific look at how mental health affects you physically and how you feel about your body.
As part of this work, I would like to follow 3 or 4 people through treatment. This could be in-patient or out patient, mental health related treatment or physical health. For ease, it would be great if the participating people lived near Cambridge or around the south of the country, however, I would be willing to travel if needed.
The idea of lots of people modeling once, representing their own lives and stories, means I can share very small insights into a mind set or situations. However, by having the chance to follow 3 or 4 (or more if possible) people through one part of their lives, documenting the details of their stories, I have the opportunity to show people a much deeper look into life with impairments.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI or any other issues that may be raised, yet at the same time offer people who don’t understand a chance to see how it affects people. That is where your help comes in!
I may be able to explain my own relationship with self-harm and mental/physical health, I may even be able to give statistics, but unless many people get to share their stories.. We can’t expect people to just get it.
Just like last time, I am looking for people from anywhere in the UK, 
any age (as long as your over 16 with parental consent or over 18), and either sex. I would be willing to help out with travel costs to my home and you would be more than welcome to stay at my house with a friend of yours.
This time the compassion of the images will be slightly different, but you will always have the last word on what you are happy to do.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect, as well as the wonderful people who nominated them selves. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how grateful I am for the models co-operation. All models will need to sign a model release form.
I am telling you all about the book and my hopes for the future as I would like to ask if anyone would want to take part? I want to show all aspects of self-harm and mental health issues, not just scars or tears or meds. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for those around you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I am hoping to get moving as soon as possible, so if you have some free time over the summer and fancy a trip to Cambridge, please e-mail and we can work something out!
Feel free to contact me, Indigo.Clouds.Imagery[@]Gmail[.]com
New Book About Cutting Released May 2007 
05:50pm 07/05/2007
  My name is Vanessa and I have struggled with self-injury for more than 30 years. In a quest to understand the reasons behind my behavior, I entered an intensive therapy program and the insight I gained was so valuable, I decided to share my story with others. Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light is a story of self-injury and redemption. By understanding some of the root causes behind my self-injury, I was able to go forward on a path to healing and have just celebrated my first year injury free!

I would love to have you visit my blog and respond to some of my entries!
Before you cut... (poem-type thing) 
04:34pm 04/05/2007
  TriggeringCollapse )  
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Self harm image book. 
05:05pm 21/04/2007
  Hey, my name is Jo. I am 24 and I live in Cambridge UK

I'm doing a fine arts degree, BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University. I'm in my first year but I have worked as a photographer previously.

For my major project this year I am studying self harm. Its something I have worked with before and personal experience of.

I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI, yet at the same time offers people who dont understand it a chance to see how it affects people.

I decided that I didnt simply want the photos up on a wall as they were too private. So I am putting together a book. It wont be published, I will only make a handful of copys. It will be A4/5 size and each page will have 2 or 3 images on. Along with that will be a very small amount of text that's either commentory from me, statistics or quotes taken from the small questionair I have asked my models to fill in.

The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how greatful I am for the models co-operation.

I am telling you all about the book as I would like to ask if anyone would like to take part? I want to show all aspects of self harm, not just scars or tears. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for thoes arond you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.

I wonder how you might feel about helping me acheve that?

Models will need to be over 16 and have permission from parents if under 18. You will need to live in the UK and be avaliable for a photoshoot as soon as possiable. Models are not paid but I can help with traveling costs, offer you and a friend food/a bed for the night and you will have an opertunity to buy a copy of the book when finished if you would like.

I am needing people as quick as possiable as the project needs to finish in the next 4/5 weeks and some models backed out. That said, if you do offer, you will be under no pressure to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Even if that means you getting here and changing your mind. If you are interested I can show you some images I already have to see what you think. Feel free to pass this on to friends you think may be interested.

I hope this post isnt inapropreate, feel free to remove it. x-posted to other self harm communities.

You can leave messages here or you can e mail me at GumChewingFreak[@]Gmail[.]com

Thank you for reading, have a safe day xx xx
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what's happening now 
01:10am 08/03/2007
  okay, so mrfuckyou, that's me, is having a bit of a rough time and its seeming like maybe the cutting would help.

this is different from some of the other times (its been years), when cutting was the urge and the major solution or that acting out. its just that it seems like there cant be something worse than this, thirtytwo years old and feeling this way, like reaching out in all direction and full or weird urges, but not really acting on any of them and kind of feeling alien like when mr fuck you was a teenager.

and so with the second adolescence and the realization that nothing is going well for mrfuckyou (and mr fuckyou even hates big similes) like falling down a well, the whole life so disconnected and far away and maybe the cut would put mr fuck you back on cat one. or back to where mr fuck you wants to be. but actually it would put mr fuckyou back a long time ago. because mr fuckyou is an adult now, and not the subject of emo hair jokes or tickle me emo jokes. he makes jokes. he doesnt enact htem.
I hope that no one minds this 
09:34am 12/02/2007
mood: real/fake
I have made a new community if anyone cares to join
the name of it is Lifeis_real check it out! and its purpose = ]
**I hope I am not offending anyone but if you have a problem with me posting this simply tell me and I will delete this open invitation.
photography project: need volunteers/models 
11:42pm 31/01/2007
  my name is sarah. i, myself, have been a cutter for about 7 years or so now. i suffer from depression and have suffered from eating disorders in the past.

that being said, i'll get to my point.

i am a photography major at point park university in pittsburgh, pa. i have a documentary class this semester. i want my big project to be on self-injury and the people behind the scars. my problem is, i need volunteers to be photographed. I am willing to travel, but it depends on how far. my goal is to photograph you in your environment (i.e. place of peacefulness, your school grounds, a place that triggers you, your home - although i completely understand how weird that may sound coming from a stranger on myspace).

if any body can help me out, i would greatly appreciate it.


ps, there are some pictures that i've taken in the blogs on my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/photohippie  if you want to check it out to see that i am legit, they are there. keep in mind, though, that the pictures i plan to take will not be in a "senior portrait" style (like the portraits that are on there), rather a documentarian style. just think photojournalism meets art.
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05:47pm 18/01/2007
  This is going to sound absolutely bizarre.

I'm a cutter in remission for 2 years (we're talking "ran into my rapist at work and managed not to SI", so I consider it pretty well conquered). Now, however, I'm putting together a mourning ritual that involves me giving some of my own blood, but I always used to cut for the wound, not the blood, and I don't know where would be best to cut to get a decent amount without running the risk of blacking out from bloodloss. If anyone could give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it.

EDIT: My question has been answered, thank you!
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08:51am 17/01/2007
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Intro and rant 
10:52pm 16/01/2007
mood: tired
I've never posted here before but I like reading about cutting, burning, bruising, whatever and picture of cuts and blood make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  Hurrah for lurkers!
I started cutting when I was twelve.  I was hurting myself before that (mostly just bruising exaggerating injuries and such).  I eventually moved up to bigger and better things.  I met my fiance when I was 16 and when I was 17 he finally got me to stop hurting myself.  With the exception of a couple shaky months and a few relapses I haven't hurt myself in almost three years.  You might say congrats, but I liked cutting myself and only wanted to stop because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.  Though I never really lived up to social norms at the time I always felt like this made me bad or dirty. (forget the fact I was doing drugs at the time and having random meaningless sex with random meaningless men and it didn't bother me)
Enough rambling.  The only reason I don't cut now is because I know it will hurt my fiance.  I personally don't think there is anything wrong with it as long as you aren't stupid and cut to deep into a vein or let your wounds get infected.  But since I won't let myself cut and I am going through a really bad chemical imbalance moment I wrote about it and decided to stop lurking.

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02:42pm 10/01/2007
  i used to cut a lot. i still would if my gf didnt help me quit.

i found out that shes been cutting basically every night for the last five months. "its not because of you."

i love her, and i want to help her quit.
she promised that she wouldnt do it again until we talked face to face about it.

we are really serious. ending the relationship is not an option for either of us.

i need help.
if you were in the situation, what would make you want to stop?
what words could help?
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The End. 
03:47am 27/12/2006
  -sigh- I've started to think about what i've done in my life. And I now have begun to realise that this...This part of my life will probably never die away, I will never drop the name and these scars might not fade. Memories are there forever, and I can't wash those away either.
I will always be a Cutter. Whether I stop or not, and really. I regret it. I take back all those times i swore that I didn't. 

             I'm left to think about all the times I fled into my room, stayed up late at night, ran to the girl's bathroom at school. I'm left to remember myself slamming my body into the stall door crying...Locked away in a place where no one would bother me, where I could do what i needed to do without someone walking in on me.  How wreckless it was, how dangerous...How amazingly perfect it had been at the time. I've created this Monster for myself and it is on me...Not anyone else i blamed it on. No, i made the decisions, i took up the blade and hid them for 2 years. I did this, no one forced me, no one told me to do it, nor did anyone tell me how dangerous it was. The only thing i got, from the one person i trusted. The one person who found out first, who cried with me first. All she told me was to 'be careful'.
         Now i just wish someone would have beat the fuck out of me, screamed at me, broken one of my ribs. To tell me that this was wrong, to force me to stop. People tried to stop me, they tried their hardest. But you can never really stop cutting unless YOU want to. You don't stop for anyone else, you stop for yourself. You stop because you finally realise, it hits you in the face like a rush of cold air. You finally understand what you've been doing when it's all been just a blur for you. 
          I had a sense of what i was doing, i knew how deep was too deep, i knew how far was too far, I knew my limits and I knew what could happen if there was an accident, or if i applied enough pressure. I knew everything, i knew cutting more than I knew myself. But it's all I knew...The only thing i was sure of and this was dangerous and this....Was one thing i wasn't aware of.   When the blade touched my hands, I stopped any further contact. I stopped telling people what was wrong, the blade fixed it. It healed all pains it stole my fears away it calmed me when I cried. For a time it was the only comfort I knew, the only thing I could trust.      I ran away from everything and I never faced the fact that I was turning into someone different. Someone my friends didn't know, somsonen my parents refused to meet.

                    All of this comes to mind because I was thinking today as I do many days...I see my scars everyday, I wake up and they are still as dark as the day before, I shower and they don't ever wash away. They're a part of me, my body a story, something I've gone through. It was normal for me, i could freely run through my house without a jacket on without bracelets. But in public....I can't do that. No matter how hard i try, I have to face the fact that these scars....The minute they meet the eyes of someone who doesn't know me or my story. They are not normal. I scare people, they tiptoe around me, they'll say things they don't mean and sware it just so I don't get hurt. I am a scary thing a Monster, I make people rethink most of what they think is normal. They look at me and I can feel their eyes dart down to my arm, forcing me to draw their attention away from it when I know they are thinking. "What the Fuck.....How can a person do that to themselves? That's fucking sick. She's crazy"  I guess I make people realise, including myself, that this is no story. No movie, no play. This is LIFE. and what you do cannot be taken back, no can life be rewound. There isn't a soundtrack to fit your moods and there are no fairytale endings.This is reality. 
                                      Moving away from that, I am glad to say that on this day. I am finally finished. I am done, and I sware it....For myself, not anyone else. I promise to myself, For myself. That I am Done cutting. I will never ever go back to it because I am better than that. I can handle things and I don't need this as a crutch or a drug, it's not an addiction. It's all in my head. 
                                 I'm putting this in here for all you cutters. You can quit anytime you want to, you just have to be ready. It is no addiction, I will tell you this now. Please don't think that. I know I am going to get shit for it and you will think I am trying to start a fight. No. I am telling you, from the mind of a Cutter...Now and Ex-Cutter.  You can get through this, it isn't something you NEED. Cutting is just somethign that is there, from the moment you start to the moment you finish. 
           It lies to you, it manipulates you. Cutting is just a pain outlet, something that is always there for you. Something that you can sorta count on, but you shouldn't. Cutting will make you feel as though it is the only thing you have to turn to in times of darkness, the only thing that will heal your pain.  That no one else can heal you but the blade in your skin....

          Please. Be strong, Take advice from those who give it. Think. You Can Do It.
If I can get through this, so can you. 
I am merely giving you some advice, something taht you may not come to realise yet. You may even try to start something with me...But you'll come out of it someday, i know you will. And you'll realise that everything that i said here...Could quite possibly be right. 

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03:10am 03/12/2006
  I just REALLY want to cut. I had stopped for awhile and things have gotten hard again...and i keep slipping. each time I cut it just makes me want to do it more...and more...and deeper. I dont know. My social worker kind of made me make a deal with her that I would try to self talk myself out of cutting and not cut until January 1st. Thats one month. A long time. ANd then I cant help but thing...okay after that I'll be able to cut. she made me shake on it. thats the worst thing...If I DO cut, then its like I let her down. I don't want to let her down. I dont want her to think im not strong enough and give up on me. but I want to do it. RIGHT NOW. SO BAD. i'll never be able to tell anyone if I do....and then I KNOW she'll ask me..and i'll say no...and feel like shit..and tell her later that I did actually do it...and feel even worse
thats how it always is...
I dont want to fight it. I just want to do it. I want to bleed. bleed deep. I want these feelings to just GO AWAY
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04:58pm 30/11/2006
mood: contemplative
Hi. My name is Calli (musecalliopeia), and I am now 23 months clean of cutting!

I started cutting when I was 16. I am now 34. Prior to getting into recovery, the longest I'd been able to go without cutting was about a month and a half.

I recently opened a new self-injury recovery journal, selfinjuryanon. Please feel free to come by and check it out - anyone is welcome to join. I want this to be a safe, supportive place for people to come together and share their experiences.

I don't post about my new community to be obnoxious - I post because I'm proud of the recovery I've found, how long I've gone without hurting myself, and I want to help other people. I'm proud of the members of my new community, and the way that they are opening up to themselves, to one another, and how they are reaching for help, and reaching out to help.

See, a couple years ago, I hit bottom. Hard. And when I looked around for help, I couldn't find anything, really. There was no "self-injury [or self-mutilation or cutters, or whatever] anonymous". I talked to therapists and people who worked in the recovery community, and they didn't know of anything. So I created this community to be a safe haven for people who self-injure. There are a lot of us, and we mostly feel so very alone.

But we're not alone. We have each other, and we can help each other get through this. We all know how tough it is, and we're learning how satisfying it is to make it through.